BREAKING NEWS: Buffalo Bills Trade Entire Defensive Line for One Giant, 7-Foot Canadian Linebacker
ORCHARD PARK, NY – In a move that has stunned the NFL and left fans scrambling for answers, the Buffalo Bills have officially traded their entire defensive line to acquire a single player: Magnus “Moose” McAllister, a 7-foot-tall, 385-pound linebacker from the Canadian Football League.
Sources say the deal was finalized early this morning after Bills GM Brandon Beane reportedly saw McAllister demolish a snowmobile with a forearm shiver during a Grey Cup post-game celebration and immediately called for a trade.
“We believe Magnus brings a… unique energy to our defense,” said Beane. “Yes, we no longer have a traditional defensive line, but when you have a human glacier charging at quarterbacks, you adapt.”
McAllister, a former lumberjack-turned-football-phenom from Moose Jaw, Saskatchewan, arrived at Buffalo’s facility wearing snowshoes and dragging a tree stump. His first words at the press conference were, “I’m just here to hit people and drink maple syrup.”
Reactions around the league have been mixed. ESPN analyst Rex Ryan called the move “bold, reckless, and strangely beautiful,” while others questioned the legality of trading four players for one, especially one who lists “log tossing” as part of his warmup routine.
Bills Mafia, however, seems thrilled. Dozens have already started selling custom “McAllister 99” jerseys, and a petition is circulating to have the NFL recognize “Moosepower” as an official stat.
No word yet on how the new-look defense will function, but sources say McAllister has been seen practicing solo by tackling pickup trucks in the team parking lot.
Stay tuned for updates as this story continues to develop.
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